Ever have one of those days when you'd like to stop being a parent, just for a little while? (If you've never felt that way, don't tell me, I have enough guilt thank you!) Don't get me wrong, I'd never in a million years give up my kids or the joy of being a mommy, but sometimes I'd like to step outside of myself, just for a little while. I'd like to take that nap I promised myself last night as I stayed up late again tying a quilt, unloading and loading the dishwasher, and putting breakfast in the crockpot to prepare for another crazy Thursday. (Some people hate Mondays, I hate Thursdays. Everything hits at once.) As I looked forward to that nap, I realized I only have 3½ hours to finish what will amount to 5 loads of laundry which I haven't sorted yet, the breakfast AND lunch dishes have yet to even be rinsed let alone loaded into the dishwasher, I have costumes to sort for the children's nativity I have planned for the extended family Christmas party of which I am in charge, and there is an inexplicable noise growing in volume coming from the basement where Little One and a friend are playing. Boy does that bed look soft....(sigh).
And the whole self control thing, wow, is it tiring. When I want to yell at the visiting neighbor kid, "stop rolling your yogurt covered fruit snacks off the table for me to retrieve" I have to stop and say "oh no, your snacks are escaping, don't let them get away!" When a visiting friend whose mother is gone for a couple hours continually whines "I just want to go hooooommme", I can't tell them "well you can't, so get over it". And when I want to scream into the night "You rotten kids, stop doorbell ditching! I just got my kids to bed only 30 seconds before I completely lost my sanity and so help me if even one of them gets out of bed, curious to see who's at the door, I...WILL...HUNT...YOU...DOWN!!!". Instead I just have to let it go. I can't ruin my kids' chances of having any semblance of a normal social life by being known as the crazy witch mother of the neighborhood!
As I mentioned before, I have guilt. I think this is imbedded in the female DNA but becomes magnified a google (Freckles' favorite number) times as soon as a woman becomes pregnant. Logically, I know every mother has strengths and weaknesses and there is no such thing as a perfect one but there are so many who are just so close. Why can't I have yummy, healthy snacks ready and waiting for my kids and all their friends who love to be at my house because it is such a welcoming place? And why can't I want the whole neighborhood camped at my house all the time? I should. Why is it hard for me to let it go when a neighbor kid walks into my house at 5:30 pm opens my pantry and helps himself and my kids to half a package of oreos effectively spoiling their dinner? And why do I ever so slightly (okay, not so slightly) resent the neighbor who looks like she has a professionally decorated house that is always uncluttered and clean? I bet my socks wouldn't even stick to her kitchen floor! Then of course there's the mother who makes all meals from scratch and they're so good her kids don't even know they're organically healthy! And don't even get me started on the family of five children who all look like they've been dressed by the most fashionable designers and have their hair professionally done EVERY day! Their children would never TRY to be the record holder of the least pairs of underwear in the weekly laundry. Oh yes, true story. We're lucky to even locate a comb most days, and navy socks are close enough to black aren't they? They'll be black by the end of the day anyway. Then there's the kids who never forget to say please, thank you, no thank you and call me Mrs. Mombrud. They would never say "ewwww, that looks so gross, it looks like...." at a large family dinner. And the guilt goes on and on and on and on.......
Somedays, I am mommy tired and would love to be all by myself somewhere that doesn't have to be cleaned, with people who don't have various body parts needing to be wiped, whining voices, or complaints about trivial things. A place where clothes and dishes don't need to be washed and dried, food to be planned and prepared (Isn't figuring out what to fix the worst part?), floors that need to be vaccumed or mopped, toys and clutter to move from one surface to another......It never ends. I guess what I need is a nice quiet, white room with lots and lots of chocolate. Anyone know where I can check in?
I argue with myself all the time, pointing out to myself that I have so many things to be grateful for, healthly kids, a beautiful, warm home, a dishwasher to wash those dishes and a washer and dryer to wash those clothes.... but then I have to tell that part of my brain, "Shut up, you're interferring with my pity party!" (Shhh, don't tell my kids I said that, we don't say shut up in our house. Just my attempt at that well mannered ideal.) Well, I'm off to climb Mt. Laundry, wade through the dirty dishes swamp, be nice to the neighbor kids, change a poopy diaper, turn off every light in the house AGAIN, serve leftovers nobody wants to eat, and sort though costumes my supermom sister sewed from scratch.
If you'd like to come to my pity party join right in. If you have positive, uplifting comments save them until tomorrow when I take the duct tape off the mouth of that other side of me, you know, the party pooper.
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